Start Where You Are

I had my first art therapy women's group today and I have mixed feelings about the experience. Wow they are an interesting and lovely group of women, but I didn't feel like I really got deep into it. Perhaps it will take time since I am so distant from my inner-self, caught up in the tasks of daily life. I felt self-centered, selfish in my need to share, slightly closed to others and others needs, a head jumbled and unclear, a little frazzled.

Some years ago I did a dance therapy workshop and was able to get deep into it quickly (& I even had some prophetic visions while there) but I was much more switched on at that time, spending a lot of time on my own and with supportive spiritual-types. I was meditating, painting, dancing, running, and unattached. That class also began with a candle-lit meditation. Now my head is messy, obscuring my true self and it was harder to connect to my inner guide and to the present moment, especially in a brightly lit studio after rushing to prepare for the babysitter, and making my way across the city through rush hour.

Our first task was to pick an image or figurine that spoke to us about how we feel right now and then write about it, later we decorated our portfolios with images meant to represent ourselves, an introduction of sorts. The first project was easy, I chose this painting by Miro of a woman who looks stunned, disheveled, in the midst of housework, alone, wide-eyed as if she is saying "help!", looking into the distance as if for someone or something, and yet her feet are big and sturdy, grounded, and the cat at her feet is smiling, purring, there is somehow happiness in her home. I was able to write a page full of words describing the heavy feeling that was in my heart when I arrived and how it related to the image. That felt good.

For the second project I wanted to pick images that were lighter, happier, about me and where I have come from. However, I got caught up in looking for images with meaning that spoke to me, and then didn't have enough time to arrange them in a meaningful way. My end result was ugly, messy, rushed. It didn't feel right. I looked around the room and the other women's projects were all beautiful, original, intriguing. Some focused on colors or shapes that were appealing, others created images out of images that told a story. Some were simply words, and some grouped images into where they are and where they want to go. Mine felt boring, uninspired, a mish-mash of things that reminded me of my past, my home town, my family, things I like. I looked at it and wondered how I will ever be able to call myself an artist. "This isn't art", I thought. Of course one of the game rules of art therapy is not to judge ourselves, or compare our work against others since it is about the process, but I couldn't help but think, where am I? This isn't me, my creative, wise, connected side! This is rushed and messy, thrown together. But as I write this post I realise that that is where I am at the moment, rushed, messy, head full, disconnected, thrown together, disheveled like the farmer's wife. So I have found some insight tonight and the project result is perfect. As Pema Chodron says, you have to start where you are! Hopefully as the group continues I will emerge less hurried, less messy, more clear and able to create from that space, but here I am now and actually I feel much lighter than I did earlier this evening so the process has begun. I will keep you posted as we go along.

Love and Peace XX